It’s not the first time in my life I have felt like a minority, but it’s perhaps the most exhilarating. I feel the eyes on me as I walk through the dirt roads of Zambezi, some of them simply look curious, and others look tinted with a touch of hostility. Most all of them brighten into a smile when I wave or utter salutations in broken Luvale. From the beginning I get the thrill of challenging a preconception, and morphing my identity from the unknown chindele (Westerner), to at least a passing friendly stranger. When I don’t fit the role of the stereotype, I slowly regain my personhood. When I am appreciated for my personhood rather than my money or my role as a teacher, I feel loved.
I suppose it makes some sense then that I feel content here. There are few times in my life I have felt more privileged. Not privileged in the sense of having lots of material goods, but privileged to have come here with such a dedicated community, to have been welcomed by such characters as Father Dominic (whose incredible outgoing friendly and eccentric nature cannot be adequately described in one blog post, let alone a side note), and to receive love from a child for the easy price of holding their hand. I feel privileged to be in such a loving state, and I reflect on how many people in every society lack that feeling.
I am content here perhaps, but that is not to be mistaken for comforted. Being a part of such community means feeling a great deal of pain. To appreciate someone is to recognize you cannot take their pain away all the time, sometimes you can only feel it with them. As a group we have sympathized with Father Dominique as he faces the challenge of leaving the city of Livingstone that he loves to the city of Lusaka that he is less comfortable in. We have had our hearts broken by discovering sometimes the children who smile and interact with us haven’t had a meal that day. We even felt a spooky sense of grief for a married couple of American missionary pilots that we never met who lost their lives flying into Zambezi a week before we did. To care about someone is to make yourself vulnerable to their problems as well as your own. It’s not easy. But it feels. Right.
Taking this to a philosophical note, there is far too much concern that goes into labeling a person as good or bad. We all have our faults and our graces, and to judge whether our graces are enough to exceed our faults is like judging a commodity. We are not commodities. So let us say this. We as a people are meant to send and receive love. The more we do, the more empowered our graces are in overcoming our faults. We are meant to be loving and Love is not meant to be limited. Yet love is hard, it requires we feel pain with another person, it requires that we are patient with their faults, and it requires that we are shattered when we lost them. And so we constrain our love to our family and closest friends. We might be hurt less when we constrain our love in this way, but something feels missing. In America I feel we turn to consumerism of goods to fill this unidentified void, and other societies have other coping vices I’m sure. What is this void? It is the strain of constraining a force that is meant to be unbound.
Taking this to a Theological note, we are all made in God’s image. I forgot who said this, but I remember hearing a quote once stating “You only love God as much as you love your worst enemy.” Constraining our love is straying from our Purpose. While it may be impossible to love everyone, we should challenge ourselves to embrace the possibility of welcoming the story of the next stranger who knocks on our door (or the stranger who pulls our bus windows open trying to sell us a big wooden hippo). Guarding our hearts too much hardens them, when they are meant to be flooded and broken so much that they become moist and fester (though a more appropriate term for non-Group 2 people might be beautifully broken). And when we let someone be so important to us we should keep hope when they are lost because in the words of Annie Lennox’s song “Into the West,” “Don’t say, we have come now to the end, white shores are calling, you and I will meet again.”
It’s a matter of faith. It’s something big. It’s something that makes a Writing Track major write in terrible disjointed fragments. It’s something I felt in Zambezi.
-Kyle Holbrook
Class of 2013
P.S. Mom and Dad, thank you so much for your support in helping me to embark on such amazing travels. I miss you very much.
P.P.S. To the rest of my friends and family, my thoughts are with you often.
Making memories with others is a way of sharing your soul. Love is contagious but also self extinguishing. Keep the fires lit.
Love Dad
Thank you Kyle, for sharing your beautiful words describing, experiences of awaking of your souls journey.
Love and Blessings, Derek Holbrook
Kyle, you have blessed us. Even though Zambia is far Away, I feel that you are spiritually very close.
Love you very much, Grandma
Kyle,
Your words are beautifully written and with heartfelt meaning. I am so proud of you and miss you tons. Keep the smiles coming not only for yourself but for others you encounter.
Love you!
Mom
Kyle,
you have a great gift that you can express your thoughts and feelings so well. Blessed are those you are helping , it is true giving of yourself that you will feel the most loved . You have learned some very important things about living that others may take thier entire lives to learn. Thank you for sharing your experience, I so happy for you and happy that you are sharing your love and caring with others. there is no greater thing to do.
Love you, Aunt Kathy
Hi Kyle…and everybody else!
Thanks for the pics that come with your posts. Although we love the group shots, this last one of the sun on the water was pretty spectacular! As I fixed dinner tonight, the dogs were milling about my feet waiting because they knew a tasty bit would come their way. That’s how I feel about these blogs…they’re just a bit of your experience over there, but they are so tasty to those of us waiting and praying at home.
Kyle, your words on unleashing the “chindele love” really struck a chord with me. I want to do that…I try to do that with the people I meet, or make eye contact with, but so often I forget, or worse, choose not to because they may not meet my standards of “worthiness.” So…thanks for the post, for the truth, and the gentle nudge in the right direction! We love you all, you are in our prayers daily, and our thoughts each minute.
Steve (Stef’s Dad)
P.S. That Annie Lennox…what a girl!
P.S. Hi Stef. Hope Muttsy and Martin made it okay. We love you more.
Kyle,
I think that part of being a life-long learner is understanding that our lessons come from so many unexpected places, and often from our own hearts. Opening them up to those who might need them, mending them when they’re broken, and simply accepting that they might be meant for something we’re never able to understand may be all we’re supposed to do. Thanks for reminding me of what I too often forget.
Happy Sunday!
Ann (Paige’s mom)
PS – Hi Paige! G&G send their love, as do I.
Kyle,
It’s good to see you are having such an enlightening journey. I hope you continue to grow in faith through your experiences over there. While few people take the time to truly appreciate other cultures besides our own, I think we could learn a lot about love from them.
Look forward to hearing about your travels this summer,
David
Jayson,
I really liked reading your blog, and relating to your words. Even us old folks who pay taxes and vote and support our communities stop, from time to time, to wonder if we as Americans have gotten all right, or all wrong. Why do I think that you’ll figure it out before I do??
Ann Brunett
PS – I think it should be a law that your blogs are accompanied by groups photos. It is SO good to see everyone happy and healthy.
PSS – Love you, Paige!
Kyle!!!
What an amazing post. It takes me back to my month in Africa. I’m glad you’re having a great and powerful experience. You seem to be making great sense of what you are witnessing. Continue enjoying every moment and letting it all have an impact on you. I can’t wait to see all the pictures!
ps… K-Hayes. I miss you girl! I hope you are having an amazing time! and that you travel safely! Know that I’m thinking about you a lot! I can’t wait to see your pictures too! Luh you!
-Elisabeth Kornbread
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