As our hours in Zambezi are numbered and we embark on the ‘What now?” portion of our journey, I can’t help but be both haunted and empowered by a question posed during a night of stargazing from the water tower: “How do you end your time in Zambezi well?”
At the time I couldn’t comprehend a single scenario suitable for response. While I’d often thought of our final days and how I would feel, I’d reassure myself I still had time. I still had tomorrow. Stay here, stay present. But the time has come when I need to begin contemplating how I will process this experience. The time to evaluate where I have been in order to fully understand who I am and where I am going – in this instance, where I am returning. I don’t have any more tomorrows left. Recalling the question, I did have an initial reaction as to what I wanted at the end: contentment. But if my time in Zambezi has taught me one thing, it is to continuously “live the questions” and delve deeper into my thoughts and encounters. Did I truly want the simple satisfaction of mere contentment? What meaning is there in living if we do not actively seek to find it? Contentment became a passive word that I never wanted to settle into, a form I could no longer see myself working toward. When one is merely “content,” we fail to strive for the magis, a promise our group made at the onset of our journey together. When one is content, we stop asking “why” and start blindly accepting. When one chooses contentment, we are choosing to remain bound in Plato’s metaphoric cave, living life simply through the passing shadows of the truths we seek. When we are content, we allow life to happen while never stepping through the doorways that await us.
When content, we trick ourselves to believe that we can be certain, especially of self. Yet we should constantly be growing in self-awareness through our experiences, regardless of age, lest we should lack or forget sense of purpose and being. As humans, we are constantly “hungering for meaning in our lives” — and wasn’t it our dear pal Greenleaf who stated that “awareness is an awakener and a disturber” that can lead to such?
Among the endless uncertainties I am now facing, I find little consolation in the one thing I do know: describing this experience is going to be no easy task.
But, just as the act of living the experience is the easiest part of Being, the process of reflection and understanding is the most important. So for those of you at home who are anxious for a glimpse of our daily lives and the magic of not only our group but the Zambezi community, I will try. I will share stories and journal entries and video footage and camera cards. But right now it seems nearly impossible to translate into words the emotions I have felt and the scenes that have emblazoned my senses when words don’t seem nearly enough. But I will try.
First, I will try to explain the title of my blog. Perhaps it speaks to the obsession I hold for my Zambezi roomie Megan Dempsey, or perhaps to the fact that we are philosophical soulmates. But in actuality, the phrase is one I have not been able to shake since hearing it in Dipilata a week ago. The scene was one mentioned in entries prior: crowded around a campfire in a remote village as the beats of Zambian music penetrated our very souls. It was somewhere around the time while I was enjoying the violent pelvic thrusts of Mateo that Josh leaned over to our group and said “Don’t forget to look up.” He meant literally to take advantage of the night sky appears endless overhead, where galaxies take shape in the form of murky clouds. Figuratively though, I like to think of this phrase an awakener, an opportunity to seek awareness. Don’t forget to look up.
As I return home, I know I will eventually return to my daily routine, but I think I can end my time well in Zambezi if I remember to look up. To look up and see the beauty in the lessons we have learned from our time here and shall carry with us back to the United States, so much more than we can ever return to the people of Zambezi.
The awareness that there is so much to come of “being uncovered and exposed,” where it is “easy to be happy because it is easy to be free.” To look past the “heart wrenching condition in which many people are living,” as Jay and Stephanie expressed, and “recognize the good in a community living out its humanity in full.” To, through Analise’s reflection, to notice the moments of grace in your life, those precious encounters that though they may last only seconds, you gave or received love in a way powerful enough to feel blessed. To slow down, as Melissa noted, allowing ourselves to lose track of time and extrinsic worries as the only way to find inherent meaning in the bigger picture.
And for me, the greatest source of awareness, remembering to learn and recognize what one’s own heart needs – that we can’t always be strong for others, but rather admit our own humanity and be with others. And perhaps the hardest part of this is in the trust that must follow. Trusting that “all will be well” in the end. Believing what our hearts know rather than what our eyes see or our heads think.
The challenge lies then, as Mateo put it, in our “beautiful burden as a privileged minority,” a duty to act following this new awareness. The challenge for the soul who has loved, finding the balance in the uncontentment of a world we see with new eyes. We now stand from a new frame of reference. This question alone remains: What will we do now? In promising to continuously live THIS question, I see my time in Zambezi ending well.
Brady Essmann, fondly known as “Bread”
Class of 2014
As a side note (or novel, really) I just wanted to touch upon the institution of which this blog bears its very name: Gonzaga.
As a Gonzaga student coming from Missouri, people often question me as to how I ended up in the West. What quickly came to be my favorite question due to the conversation which ensued — “Why Gonzaga?” Many times I joke that it was both my parent’s greatest unbeknownst mistake and simultaneous blessing to let me visit Gonzaga my senior year of high school; because once I had seen the campus, looked in the faces of the students and felt a part of the community, there was no doubt in my mind it was where I was meant to me, where I would leave my mark. Where, one day, my heart would remain long after my feet had left. In many ways I feel this same connection with Zambezi.
While both circumstances physically took me from my parents, first halfway across the country and then the world (a debt to them which does in fact pain me most days), I know in my heart and that loved ones understand the everlasting consequence of my time at Gonzaga is the transformation into a more engaged and fully developed person – spiritually, intellectually, creatively, and now, globally.
For that, I wish to thank first my parents.
And all the parents and those back home who encouraged, in some cases allowed or even made possible for their daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, and friends to take part in this experience – for without them, my experience would not have been the same or nearly as impactful. This group has challenged me, asking the questions I didn’t know how to ask myself and pushing me to “stop thinking and just do” time and time again. They have been with me to work through the hard days and they have been support in moments of confusion and heartbreak, as there have been many of both. They have been alongside me as we search for greater understanding, entering in a probing conversation over a cup of tea or amidst giggles as we have perhaps become almost tooooo comfortable with one another. The fifteen of them (sixteen including a cameo appearance of John Meyers) have been with me to indulge in the happiness of the good, dance to the soundtrack of the awkward, laugh in the pure ecstasy of friendship. But above all of this, they have been inspiring people for others that I have been blessed to surround myself with. In simplest terms, this group of women and men make me better for having known them.
And, secondly, a thank you to GU.
It is rare to find an opportunity to satiate the innate calling for what is missing in our lives, a chance to “place us in the vicinity of the knowledge that leads to kinship.” The right time and place to “look up” from the distractions of our lives. Gonzaga provided the foundation, and Josh Armstrong provided the push. So for that opportunity, I say thank you. To Dr. Big D “Smooth Ride” Houghlum and Melissa for seeing US all at eye-level as adults and leading us through your genuinity. To Nolan Grady, our personal encyclopedia on Jesuit ideology, for always making the inappropriate joke, being willing to be a “diiiiiishhhhwaaaaashhaaaa” night after night, and for asking the hard questions our hearts most needed to answer. And to Josh, for putting the entirety of your energy into this program and exemplifying for so many of us the possibility of passion meeting professionalism for the greater good. And perhaps a thank you where it is most appropriate yet may be hardest to relay: to the people of Zambezi, for allowing us to share, explore, and reflect upon their own personal piece of Heaven, taking it into our hearts and making it our own.
For anyone contemplating to take this step in their life journey and apply for the Zambezi program or any cultural experience, I would say there is nothing more important. If you feel in any way stuck in a routine or pondering why there is a “void” or something missing as you look back on your life, consider stepping out of it. See through the eyes, walk the same steps, and feel the same pain as another. Uproot yourself from the potted-plant syndrome on the mundane and explore the unknown. Remember what it is to “love hard” and trust in the humanity of yourself, the love of others. Remember to look up.
Brady,
Just like I thought…it keeps getting better and better. You probably don’t realize how wise and worldly and knowing you sound, and how true your words ring. Your sense of self is wonderful (and you truly are), and your thoughts about your family, your Zambezi community, your Gonzaga community and your mates are so loving – and so comforting to all of us back home. Forming deep and lasting relationships is both tough to do and impossible to measure; they help us to recognize life’s joy, and then they carry us through the dark nights. My wish to you is that your Zambezi experience is just teh beginning of a lifelong lesson, and that you’re blessed with such relationships for the rest of your life.
I hope to see you in Chicago!
Love to all,
Ann
PS – Paigey-poo (I’ve held off long enough) – we can’t wait to welcome you back home. So much to catch up on…but why do I think you’ll be asleep until Sunday??
xxxMom
Brady and all,
You are truly seeing the world with new eyes. Thank you for taking us on your journey with you. We have so enjoyed reading about your experiences. And we are grateful to you all for inspiring us and opening our eyes too.
Anne Dickman (Alex’s mom)
P.S. Dear Alex, Thank you for allowing us to experience this journey with you. We have learned so much just reading this fantastic blog. Make the best of your final days in Zambia. And travel safe for the rest of your journey! We are anxiously awaiting your return. Many hugs and kisses! I love you tons and tons and tons. Call me as soon as possible from London or Paris. Have a fun and safe and happy 21st birthday. I miss you so. Love, mom
You are such an amazingly amazing writer, reflector, person and so much more. This blog, and many of the others give me butterflies but I feel like I’m getting choked up, teary, and I mean it’s an odd feeling but gah at the end I just sit and think and I’m like man that was awesome… Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being so open to sharing your emotions and feelings. What I really appreciate about the blog is that bloggers (you all) are so honest and not afraid to tell it like it is. I enjoy getting a glimpse of what you are all experiencing/feeling and it’s really weird because those emotions are so familiar and it all comes rushing back. I appreciate the message to continue to look up where I am and the reminder that it is possible to live in the moment and BE THERE in the states, too.
(Brady, read this really loud for me) MISTER ALEXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! (I’m hoping it’s your birthday) Big 21 huh???! Have a blast but be safe 🙂 !
Megan, Mateo (how’s that Chaco tan?), Brady, Paige, Anne, Dave, Analise, Alex, Melissa, Kyle, Erin, Kate, Jay, Stef, Nolan, Josh, AND JOHN?!?!?! You are all so awesome, hugs hugs and more hugs. mwane mwane mwane.
Love,
Hikaru
Brady and all,
It just keeps getting better and better. I know I will miss my daily dose of the Zambezi blog. I can’t believe the incredible growth you all seem to have gone through….really an incredible transformation. Remember all that you have learned and experience this last month…it will carry you through a lifetime of experiences, good and bad, and most of all know how much you can rely on yourself, your peers and your faith. What a life lesson,
Travel safe……we’ll all be thinking of you.
Thanks for the daily glimpse into Zambezi life.
XOXO, Kathleen Murphy
E—-can’t wait to see you on Friday. The house has been so quiet without you! We love you so much and are looking forward to the stories and pictures. Who loves you more than me???
Sister, sister, never knew how’d much i’d missed ya! You are a beautiful writer Brades, you really are. I have made you a present for your home at GU. I am hoping you will like it. I have a surprise for you, I WILL SEE YOU ON FRIDAY. whoops did i just let that slip. OH WELL. So much hugging and talking to do. Getcha self ready, much love, Anna
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Brady and All
Contentment what I want to feel when I am on my death bed and look back at my life. Proud is how I feel of all of you for sharing ourselves and your souls with the people of Zambezi and all of us who read this blog each day. Life is to be lived striving to bring joy and happiness to others through all of our relationships. By reading this blog it is evident that you have accomplished this goal during your time in Zambezi. Too many of us become content in life and lose our zest for life. Many times it takes stepping outside of what we feel comfortable with, in order to regain what we have lost. To all of you thanks for taking that step.
Glenn (Kyle’s Proud Dad)
PS Kyle, get some sleep on the plane. We are having a pre 4th of July party on Saturday night.
Paige,
Thank you so much for letting everything flow from your heart regarding the WHOLE experience in Zambia. So much to absorb and think about. So many blessings you’ve all received…
One thing is for sure. We’ve heard it in so many different ways throughout each and every one of your blogs…Each of you will never be the same as you were before Zambia. You will never be satisfied with the status quo in your lives ever again. How you will each wrestle with incorporating all that you have felt, into your lives from now on, will be your own journey, but in a wonderful way the extension of your Zambian journey. Whether it turns out to be a little fragments, or the mother load of your Zambian experience that stays with you…doesn’t matter…you will all still be changed. You will “look up” all on your own.
Group 1 and Group 2, treasure what you have shared in this time. Few people are blessed with the opportunity to share to the depth that you have. What a heavenly gift this journey is.
Kisu mwane,
Gosh, I know we all are going to miss reading your blogs and posting our “comments.” I hope we can comment, one more time, before you all head home…
Linda
P.S. Stef, I know that you miss us, but I also know it is going to be hard to leave this most amazing village of Zambezi with it’s incredible people and memories. I know there will be many tears…Just know that we love you so much and can hardly wait to give you big hugs. Just a little note for your back pack as you travel home…Love you more! Xoxo Mom
P.S.S. Is there a Chitengi in my future?
Dear Brady (Bread…there HAS to be a story),
Listening to you do a wrap on your time in Zambezi has been sort of like the last days of the Olympics, The Tour de France, and the World Cup all rolled into one! The blogs have been addictive, meals have been missed, computers have been snitched, but what an amazing experience for THIS side of the Atlantic. YOUR words speak for you all over there. You are giving yourself, indeed all of us, some good advice with your signature line, “Look up.” I know from experience that it is easy to waste time choosing to be miserable, but to look up, look ahead, fight complacency, even too much contentment is so much more productive, and rewarding. Take a few more pictures, watch the sunset, or the starshow, pack carefully, and travel safely…Look up during the last couple of days!
P.S. The best thing I brought back from a trip to Denmark was this saying, “Take the child by the hand, take the parent by the heart.” Our heartfelt thanks to all the staff whose efforts have made this a wonderful experience.
P.S. Stef – Piper is gaw-juss! It may be sunny when you get home, and I’d like to tell you how much we appreciate the calls from the 7-11 in Zambezi each night.
P.S. Stef – We love you, and the Fab Fifteen (Math is not my strong suit) of Group 2 are the BEST! Remember when I told you to hang out with the right people and you’d go far? I never dreamed of Africa. XXOO DAD
O.K., Brady, I really new it was you! Paige, I’m posting a comment on yours next. However, who knows what name will appear on the top? Just laugh and know that I’m one crazy lady and can’t keep the Gonzaga Chindele Women (and how you ROAR) straight!!!!!
Xo Linda
BRAYYYDDAAAAYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
Hmkay I couldn’t contain myself and typed my little heart away soo it’s kinda long. You can just skip to the last paragraph (*) which is addressed to everyone and read the rest later!
I have read your novel, I mean post, twice. The first time, I rushed through it with uncontained excitement knowing that these words were yours. The second time, I tried to restrain my impulsive self from wanting to plunge into your oh-so-wise ideas, but rather read slow and understand every single word you chose to put in your reflection. It was then that I could hear your voice as if you were besides me, talking about an experience that has taken us so far away from each other (I can’t believe it’s been almost two months since I last talked to you!—air strip moment just doesn’t count). Yet, it’s this same experience which will take this friendship of ours to a whole new level.
Yes, the pictures that have filled our memory cards will be so worth sharing, and no doubt there will be endless conversations reminiscing on the cold showers, the beautiful sunsets, and how we should’ve worked harder to come up with a plan of action to bring Baby Joshua to live with us in 815 Sharp– all which will replace so many hours of sleep and homework. Even twenty years from now, I can totally picture us, on a Sunday family BBQ, when we’re sipping on some good ol’ red wine, trying to teach our kids whatever Luvale is left in our memory (and most likely failing miserably…). But the so very similar experience we share will have an impact on us greater than that. We come back with a much wider panoramic view of what life is, of what life means—and with that we get to paint vivid pictures to those around us in hope to create a masterpiece that captures the essence and beauty of the experience, as part of a continual attempt to bridge two so very opposite sides of the world through connection and understanding. And yeap, all while constantly reminding each other to keep looking up.
*Group 2, I have enjoyed reading every single one of your posts. You have so many beautiful insights about life and human nature, which truly floods the heart with all sorts of emotions and take one’s breath away. Megan what a post! I’ll probably frame it too haha. And happy 21st birthday, Alex! You and Teo show Europe what a true celebration is all about.
Safe travels to you all,
Constanza
A side note to Eli:
Eli, I’m guessing you’ve been watching the Euro cup. Spain all the way!! But since we usually don’t agree on teams, I hope whatever country you’re banking on doesn’t have a goalie who wears a mushroom-looking cap… 😉
Dear Brady:
Thank you so much for this lovely essay from the heart.
I look so forward to re-reading all of these when I need inspiration. They are wonderful especially since I know all of you are dear friends and from Gonzaga!
Travel safely.
Fondly, Barb (Anne’s mom)
Anne, we are on our way home to be there when you arrive home. Looking forward to that hug. Love, Mom. 🙂
I cannot beat what Constanza wrote (nice job, girl!). Brady, so beautifully written and incredibly heartfelt. It just makes me want to hug you more! I am sure that leaving Zambezi will be difficult, but Mom, Anna & I cannot wait to see you on Friday! Safe travels to you all! God Speed!
Love, Dad
PS- How did you guys end up naming the last two blogs? Make up your minds!