Today I showered. I have showered a total of three times in the past eight days (sorry mom), so this was a pretty monumental event. It meant that my hair and feet were clean, and I was ready for the day ahead and whatever it threw at me. I love the feeling of kinda having a plan but still not really knowing what exactly is going to happen. It is exhilarating and is a feeling that I have missed in the past semester. As many of you know, I spent the whole of last year wandering (some may say stumbling) across the world during a study abroad semester that at some point turned into a year. I started off in Scotland, worked my way to Turkey (for a total of 17 days because of that whole military coup incident), and finished off my semester in Ghana. I never went home between programs, so I stuffed as much as I could into my backpack and just went exploring by myself until each of my programs started. It was an incredible experience that challenged me and shaped me in different ways almost every single day.
Once I came back though, something happened. After a while the joy of being back in the States faded. All of the sudden, I felt like I had this pit in my stomach and that I was missing something. I did not understand why I felt like this. I was technically home, with my own bed, with my family and friends, and had all the Hot Cheetos and yellow Gatorade I could ever want. I was broken. I left a piece of me everywhere I went and when I got back to school, I started to feel the loss. All of the sudden my mind decided to process a year’s worth of experiences, good and bad, and I felt lost in a place that was supposed to be my home. As the semester went on, things got better, but there was never a day where I did not think about my time away, the experiences I had, and the people I met. I felt alone and frustrated because there was nothing I could do to make the feeling go away other than to push the thoughts away in order to try and be present in what was happening around me at Gonzaga. However, every night, the memories flooded back into my mind, and I was forced to think and come to terms with my experiences and accept that they all really did happen, and that it was okay that I was back. I had the year of my life, and I had to move forward in order to create more incredible memories. The experiences and the people I met changed my life, and I will always recognize that. I need to accept this feeling of brokenness and challenge myself to use it as fuel to make me feel whole again. It has been a journey, but as the semester started to wind down, I did start to feel whole again.
You could probably guess the hesitation I felt when I dusted off my backpack and started to pack for Zambia. I was scared that I was going to break myself all over again, but I was also so excited. I was going on another adventure and had no idea what was going to happen, who I was going to meet, and how I was going to be challenged. Within that excitement I was also afraid that I was going to close myself off because of the feelings I know I will have once I get back. So far Zambia has been good to me. I have laughed, have had some pretty solid doxycycline dreams, and have enjoyed exploring this place that feels so familiar. My heart has been feeling full, and my fears of being broken again were pushed to the back of my mind. Something strange happened during our homestay though that challenged me more than I expected. When we were playing outside with Daniel’s daughters, Natasha (the sassiest two-year-old you will ever meet) gave me a coin to hold in my pocket for later. When later came, she asked for the Kwacha coin, and when I reached for it, I also pulled out something else that I never expected to have in my pocket. I pulled out a 20 Cedi note (Ghanaian currency) and all of the sudden I was overwhelmed with joyful memories.
I started to think about my time thus far in Zambia, and how I have felt so at home because it reminds me of all the great memories I had last year, especially the memories I made in Ghana. The welcome we got once we arrived in Zambezi reminds me of the huge hug Auntie Theresa gave me when I finally arrived to where I would be staying in Ghana. Sitting at the big dinner table for every meal reminds me of those red tables in ISH1 where we would gather for every meal and laugh at the complex stories Dwight would come up with to keep us entertained and to explain the things that we did not understand. Waking up when the sun comes up and going to bed after the sun goes down reminds me of how I would stretch my days into the night as much as I could, just to make sure I saw and did everything I needed to see and do. Sitting in the common room in silence reminds me of all the times that Karmen and Dwight would come into room 85 to just sit with me and Trevor (Trevà) just because the silent company was always welcome. All of the conversations remind me of all the conversations that I had with complete strangers who soon became close friends. I feel so connected to those memories, even though they are so far away.
It is strange to feel nostalgic in a place that you have never been before. Zambia has reminded me of a lot of the joys I felt in my heart last year. The other night we watched a TED talk about the importance of having multiple stories to see the full picture. This resonated with me because I think it is so important for me to acknowledge and accept that I am processing Zambezi with all of my stories and experiences, and that it is okay for me to do that. Although I will probably never feel fully complete, I am happy to give another piece of myself to stay here in Zambezi. My old experiences are allowing me to cherish my current experiences because I know that this month is going to fly by in the blink of an eye, and when we look back on it in July, it is going to seem like this month was just a dream.
Now I am sitting in the common area with my dirty feet, my hair in some chaotic mess on the top of my head, and a big smile on my face. I am so glad I have been given this opportunity to have a full heart again. Given the chaos and pressures that come with being a senior and running into the adult world, I am not really sure when I will get the chance to do this again. I do not really know how I will move forward with all of my broken pieces, but I do not think that there is a perfectly right way to do it anymore. I just got to feel it out and see what works in the moment that I am in. I’m pretty good at figuring out things along the way anyway.
Cheers!
Lydia Lopez
Class of 2018
P.S. Karmen, Trevor, Dwight and the rest of the Ghana fam. I have shed quite a few tears thinking about how much I would love for you guys to be experiencing this with me. This is a big deal since you know I don’t cry often. It is so incredible. I hear your nagging and loving voices in the back of my head often and it makes me laugh. It makes me look pretty crazy when I am laughing to myself when nobody else is around. I love you all so much.
P.P.S. There is a bug in the living room that is bigger than the lizard that is on the wall. I don’t like this situation. It is kinda like animal planet and I have no idea how this will unfold.
P.P.P.S. Shoutout to my family, especially my mothership and father for loving me, especially when I tell them that I am going on another trip across the Atlantic after only being home for a few days. Los quiero mucho. Happy early birthday Tina.
WOW LYDIA! Your description of feeling broken describes so clearly the way my own heart felt leaving Zambezi and grappling with all that comes with leaving a piece of your heart so far away. I love that you are having this experience. Seeing you grow over the past 3 years has been an incredible blessing and your wisdom and insight continues to astound me. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Valerie – your descriptions of what you want to remember brought me to tears, as I was taken immediately back to all of those sights, sounds, and moments. You will remember them. Thank you for bringing Zambezi to life.
My dearest Morgan Smith – I am currently camping (go ahead and have a laugh at the idea of me sleeping in a tent) and have little to no service or wifi. I had a dream last night that I missed your blog post and it was a nightmare as I was unable to obnoxiously comment my love and affection and pride. This nightmare was also reality, turns out, as I missed your blog. So I am a little late to the party, but know that your words allowed me to resonate with your heart for the millionth time this year. I know that you are shining in that computer classroom and on those sandy streets as you touch the hearts of everyone around you. Missing you and our Tuesday nights together. I hope the Lara bars are sufficing. All my love to you.
Lydia, your mom above ^^ is a little deranged. Just know that your grandmother loves you and will always protect you. I still remember being there while you completed, submitted and did your interview for this position. I knew you would be accepted and when you told me you had, it was no shocker. Go out and tackle the world you little baby. Enjoy every moment.
-granny haggard
Lydia,
Thank you for your vulnerability, honest thoughts and reflection. It’s wonderful to hear that you are reminiscing memories from your time in Ghana as you experience Zambezi. I hope that your time in Zambezi is filling your heart and you feel alive as you did during your time abroad. It’s been 5 years since I sat in the same convent, walked the streets with dirt on my chacos, and made the walk to teach English… I still think about those experiences and relationships I built to this day. I think the beauty of traveling to another place is that life gives you an opportunity to meet others in a different community, learn from each other, and share what it means to be alive and be human. I didn’t realize it at the time but, my experiences, both the challenges and the joys, changed me to see people for as they are, in that moment, and Zambia shaped and reaffirmed my desire to live as a woman for and with others.
To the rest of the team – you are all so loved and thought about! Your family/friends/peers/neighbors (and strangers like me!) are thinking of you and hope you are absorbing all that Zambezi has to offer. Enjoy the nshima while you have it because chances are, you may never have it again! May you share your light as bright as your head lamp (perhaps brighter 😉 and embrace the oily hair, cold showers, and beautiful sunrise/sunset.
Lydia, your post made me think of this quote and I leave you and your Zambia-family with this: “Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you-it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you… Hopefully, you leave something good behind.” -Anthony Bourdain
All the best,
Hikaru (aka your GEL Coordinator!)
Ps. Please give John Mwewa hugs and tell him I say hello 🙂
Lydiaaaaa I have read and reread your post several times now and I am happy to see how positive your experience in Zambia has been thus far. You have experienced so much more than any of us back home have and its always amazing to hear about your endeavors through those late night FaceTime calls. I hope this time will be no different. I have always been impressed with your independence and relentless drive to constantly experience new things. It is something that I’ve always admired about you and hope has somehow rubbed off on me 🙂 I know how hesitant you must have been to go to Zambia because of how stable you’re life has been after a nomadic year all the way across the world but I’m glad you chose to go and really immerse yourself in the society and experience, as you (more than anyone) know how big of a privilege it is to witness another culture. I cant wait until you come back and tell me all about your junior year and how great it ended in Zambia (in person this time). Until then, we are all here awaiting your return in Carson City with a huge supply of lemon-lime gatorade, hot cheetos, and crabzilla sushi rolls :).
P.S. Sebastian is eating a bag of hot cheetos as I type this and he says he is willing to save the rest for you if you trade him your ‘cool glasses’ in that group bus pic you guys took.. My mom thinks its a fair trade.
GOODLUCK and have fun during the rest of your stay. I cant wait to hear all about it when you get back.
Lydia,
Hmm. Beautiful thoughts by a beautiful person. Maybe it’s that full sense of joy and brokenness that we feel that is just one of those parts of being human. Your post clarified a lot for me. Thank you for your honest words and your vulnerability! I sensed that you were feeling some of these things in the silence pauses that you gave after the questions “how are you?” when I ran into you near Jepson and after “how was your abroad experience?” before the Zambia documentary night. Don’t worry, not psychic just human and broken in other ways that lead me to pause some days after the “how are you’s.” So your response was all too familiar. Sorry we were unable to meet those last few days of school, but it looks like you are making sense of things. Hm. Your words really got me thinking. Seriously you are a very thoughtful person and make many observations about the world that other people often overlook. I can picture you being in your element over there with that sassy 2 year old and I absolutely love that! I might even guess that you gave a little sass back haha. Hmm wow… You are so great. Know in the “broken”, “confusion”, and “happy as can be feeling” that you are loved, you are seen, and you are completely understood. I send a smile, a huge, and some prayers with this. You have nailed it on what it means to be human. We come in a little broken in places and very confused. The trick is finding beauty in this point of tension like Morgan Smith hinted at in her blog. I admire your courage and strength to continue experiencing and feeling when you know that some days you might feel stretched thin. The cool thing, at least in this abroad experience, is that you have part of the zag community with you that will also experience some of these things when they get back to the states. Each and every one of you can lean on the other. It’s like a crazy trust exercise I guess. This time, together, you can make sense partially of the broken, confused, and yet happy feelings. You will never be alone in this!
I hope when I grow up I can be a little…or maybe a lot more like you. If you ever need an extra person to listen and sort through things…I am always a facebook message away.
Yours,
Another human like you
Hello to my fellow Northern Nevadan!
Thanks for your post and your honesty in sharing the struggle and the pull of homes in so many places. I’m excited you get to add Zambia to your ever-growing list of homes as its a home that years of Zags share a special love for. It sounds like your heart is all over this world (which can be a great thing) but let me tell you Tahoe is looking STUNNING these days. I hope you can continue to find beauty and life in whatever place you may be while holding close the other places and people that have won your heart. Enjoy these next few weeks!
Morgs, I was laughing to myself a few blog posts ago when the blog was about your homestay and helping make food and asking the person you stayed with why he had been quiet. It cracked me up because you have asked me the questions I needed to be asked countless times this year…I even texted Megan to confirm that this was a total Morgan move. Love and miss you, Morgs. I would have thought seeing you less this semester was preparation for a month away, but it didn’t! I have wanted to text you because you understand or send you a funny Cody picture countless times already. I also read about you a super cool and special honored senior on the GU website (YAY MORGAN), and it made me think how you’re probably not taking the easy route or cutting corners with your students in Zambezi the same way you never did with your students at Ferris.
Elly, TA lady, have no doubt your leading the group with compassion, grace, laughter, and love. It flows from you.
Taylor, still look back on the sweet note you wrote me in my few weeks home before I leave again for training. I hope all those words you wrote to me you know so deeply to be true about yourself too.
Morgan Smith, sending love to you! I am so excited to grow yellow flowers next year outside of my new home in Sunnyside. Your kindness and intentionality amazes me.
Love always,
Lindsey
HI Zags I am so sorry because I am really behind on blog posts so here comes quite a long comment:
LYDIA: Wow. Thank you thank you thank you for this honesty. Thank you for bringing us into your processing of this experience and your ability to allow yourself to bring in so many fond and dear memories into Zambezi. It takes an incredibly strong person to bring your whole self and all your different stories and experiences into one place and let them all have a place. I admire your ability to connect experiences and your love for travel and learning from and with others. I wish you all the best with the rest of this experience, keep making new memories and remembering memories from your other adventures. I hope you find some of the chips in the market to somewhat fit that love of hot cheetos.
VALERIE: Okay so wow you have a beautiful way with words. The way you compared time in Zambezi to a Zambezi sunset is so accurate and lovely. Thank you so much for that. I was brought to tears reading it because it reminded me of how fast it went by but also how stunning the experience was and all the hands and conversations that were a part of it. Those little moments are so important and I am glad you brought light to them. You will remember them because they are important to you, soon you will have pages full of little memories that helped shape your experience. Thank you, sending love from California.
JIMMY: Thank you for your post that brought back so many awkward, funny and joyful moments. I loved reading your processing of watching your home stay family work so seamlessly and do so many things that seem almost impossible. It is truly an incredible sight to see and be a part of. I look forward to hearing more about the wonderful people you meet and impact your experience. Also, wow butt pinch chair sounds quite painful but also absolutely hilarious.
MORGAN: Hello my dear friend. Throughout our friendship I have always been in awe and admired your ability to paint such a beautiful picture and train of thoughts with words and once again you’ve left me in awe. It really does take a village. So so many people in Zambezi work together to love on Zags. It is beautiful. I remember feeling that exact same tension you’re feeling. Getting things done vs observing and taking in. That tension will exist the entire trip and will continue when you get back, it is an important thing to think about. It is true that Zambezi doesn’t necessarily need anything from us but sharing your heart with another is always needed. You have such loving and intentional heart and I’m so so happy that some of the friends I met in Zambezi get to meet and know that heart of yours and you get to know their hearts. I love and miss you and am filled with joy thinking about you walking those same roads I walked a year ago and so many wonderful Zambians and Zags before. Keep being you my friend. I hope you’ve been enjoying lots of tea!
Lydia- beautiful post. Wow. Thank you for your honest and raw words. My time in Zambezi occurred during a time in the life where I was very broken, as well. I couldn’t imagine experiencing it any other way. It allowed me to find parts of myself I didn’t know existed, it allowed me to love deeper, and it allowed me to break even more. I loved the prayer at the sending off ceremony- may God break our hearts open. I imagine He does this so He can fill the cracks and so we can love even deeper. I hope you continue to be broken and confused and happy as can be. Also the sunset picture made me so happy.
JIMZ MCG- I’m sorry I missed your blog day. We were in Chikuni, which was very similar to Zambezi (but obviously not as cool) so I didn’t have internet capability. Your post made me smile so big, just imagining you in Zambezi. I got through it without crying, until the last line. Zambezi really does have a special way of capturing hearts, and I have no doubt it’s doing the same to all of you. When you said you know Zambezi will be special to you forever, I cried… a lot. Like, you know I cry a lot. But it was even a lot for me. People thought I was weird. Oh well 🙂 I hope that you are starting to understand why I’ve been going on and on about Zambezi to you for the past year. I cannot wait to hear all about it.
Elly- I hope being back in Zambezi has been so incredibly wonderful. I’m so happy just imagining you back with our Mamas and all of our sweet friends. I hope you’re participating in lots of Caterpillar 5k Crawls #ZAMFIT
Sending you all so much love. My heart is so full of joy for you.
Hugs,
Katie Kenkel
Lydia,
Like anytime I get to read your writing, I am filled with goose bumps from head to toe and tears in my eyes. I haven’t had an ugly cry in awhile, but your post did it for me so thank you for that. What you write comes from the heart in such a raw and thoughtful manner that I am constantly in awe of you. Thank you for your wise words, you put it perfectly, the feeling of being broken. I felt this a year ago as we packed up and said our goodbye’s to Zambezi and it has hit me again as I leave Granada after the most incredible year here. Like you with your time abroad, I have learned to call this place home and can’t come to terms with leaving it. Through this struggle, I have missed you more than words. I am so beyond proud to call you my best friend and am anxiously waiting your return to the states.
I am certain you will find a piece of home in Zambia, just as you have all over the world. I am also certain you will leave part of you there and for that Zambezi is lucky to have you. Enjoy your time. Take everything in. Stay curious.
Love you love you love you,
Dakota