Henry Nouwen beautifully wrote, “Our life is a short time in expectation, a time in which sadness and joy kiss each other at every moment. There is a quality of sadness that pervades all the moments of our life. It seems that there is no such thing as clear-cut pure joy, but that, even in the most happy moments of our existence, we sense a tinge of sadness…behind every smile, there is a tear. In every embrace, there is loneliness. In every friendship, distance. And in all forms of light, there is the knowledge of surrounding darkness.”
These words perfectly embody the way I perceive the human experience of living life. And these words also hold true for the way my heart feels here in Zambezi. This place makes my spirit sing and dance in ways I have never felt before. But there is a heaviness that lingers. It tip-toes around my heart. Yet with every step, a sharp pang fills my chest, and for a moment, I lose my breath.
“Suuuuuunn-y.” Mischel’s sing-song voice fills my ears every time he calls my name.
“Yeeeees?”
“Can I ask you something?” His mischievous smile is so big that it crinkles the corners of his twinkly eyes.
“Anything.” I give my best cheesy wink. He laughs, but after a moment, he intently looks at me, and whispers into my ear.
“Will you remember me?”
When those words escape his lips, I feel my heart lift upward in an indescribable way. There is a certain immeasurable warmth that inches its way from my head to my toes—it makes me feel as if I am almost floating. As I look deeply into his beautiful brown eyes, I am overcome with a sense of longing to understand him. Truly understand him. But in that moment, I see in Mischel’s eyes the same fervent longing I feel inside of me. A longing to be understood. A longing to be remembered in the same way I hope to be remembered.
My fears have chased me to Africa. I am consistently filled with doubts and insecurities that have plagued me long before I got onto the plane. And because I know that my worry that I am never quite ‘enough’ has seemingly found a way to creep into every aspect of my life, I have also come to truly understand that the greatest obstacle to love is the hidden fear of being unworthy of such love. There is a fear that all humans experience that amidst our most difficult nights, we may never amount to more than our suffering. I find that this fear, a valid fear and one that we may all continue to face, is extinguished when we recognize that love—true love—lifts us up out of what we think we deserve and recognizes the intrinsic value in ourselves—that we are worthy of love independent of everything we do.
During my time here, I have seen and heard a battered community that still struggles to breathe because of what was taken from them centuries ago. And this numbing reality will never become easier to process. How could anyone possibly dare to take away the breath of a people that God so lovingly breathed life into?
Father Baraza told us that when the missionaries first arrived in Africa, the missionaries had the bible, and the people had the land. After the missionaries prayed over them, the people opened their eyes. The missionaries had the land, and the people had nothing but the bible. Stories like this make me fear religion and feel such anger that I can hardly speak about how ashamed I feel. But within a few days, Zambezi has gently pushed me to take my focus off of the circumstances that have been imposed upon its people and instead fixated on a different idea—the life-giving spirit of Zambezi. I have struggled all my life with not letting my suffering define me. And so I refuse to let Zambezi become defined by the suffering that happens within the community. To make the hardships of a people become their single story is to rob them of their colorful, fruitful, beautiful identity. If I could dare to describe the spirit of Zambezi through a single image, it would be of the moon. And if I were to have a conversation with this spirit, I would imagine it would go somewhat like this:
Watch me shine, the moon says. Amidst the darkness, the fear and the pain that the night holds—that by its very nature is powerful and consumptive—lies the most effervescent light, in peaceful kinship with millions of stars that are bursting with passion at its edges—allowing them to shimmer and glow like never seen before. I am resilient. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am light.
I am not here because of myself. I am here because thousands of intersections have intertwined the fabric of my life with the lives of others. In the words of a wonderful human being I know, “Our lives have been braided with love. Infused in our breaths is connection.” To be quite honest, I have not really done anything in Zambezi. I’ve quickly realized that I’m as useful as a rock when it comes to doing just about anything. And I’ve come to see that if one asks me about my accomplishments on this trip, I won’t be able to give an answer. Ahh, accomplishments…so often, they may make us feel enough, but could it be that we are not defined by what we have done? And this is the belief I desire to hold onto in everything I do—the notion that our worth lies not within the things that we do and accomplish but simply within our very being.
So I will do the only thing I am unmistakably compelled to do—the only thing I imagine may make a small difference. I will strive with all of my heart and my soul to gratefully devote myself to the lifelong vocation of love…a love so effervescent, it inspires us deep within, breathing passion and life into our lungs, touching the untouchable parts of ourselves, burning our heart with the fire of a thousand suns, bringing us endless hopes, and never letting go of the dream that the day will come when every single person can carry this kind of love within their souls. It speaks, “I love you not because of anything you have done, but simply because of who you are.”
At times, I feel like a zebra walking in a pack of lions. Sweet, joyful, hospitable lions. J But regardless, I find myself consistently trying to be myself within a community where I feel like I could not possibly stand out any more than I do—and then I just get lost within the vast differences that lie between us. But in the words of Nouwen, “Every human being has a great, yet often unknown, gift to care, to be compassionate, to become present to the other, to listen, to hear, and to receive. If that gift would be set free and made available, miracles could take place.” It is ubundu, the essence of being human (an essence so evident in the Zambezi community)—to be kind, compassionate, and loving, because we understand that we are a people who belong to each other. Here in Zambezi, every single afternoon, a relentlessly jubilant crowd of children call us to watch the sun fall. We hold hands, and we run towards the sunset, our breaths taken away by the beauty of the sun, yet ready to embrace the night with open arms.
Hafiz:
Admit something.
Everyone you see you say to them,
“Love me.”
Of course you do not do this out loud,
Otherwise
Someone would call the cops.
Still though, think about this,
The great pull in us to connect
Why not become the one
Who lives with a full moon in each eye
That is always saying
With that sweet moon language
What every other eye in this world
is dying to hear
I love you. Take my hand. Let us run towards the sun, the moon, and the stars together.
the sunset over the zambezi river
thanks josh 🙂
Kisu Mwane,
Sooyoun Park, Class of 2018
To Mom and Dad, I am doing well. You don’t have to worry about a single thing. I am thinking about you everyday, and I love you so much. Stay healthy.
Juju, I am so excited for you to graduate, my dear. I am praying for you and thinking about you. Embrace these last few days and get ready to spread your wings and fly. I am so proud of you—know that I am always with you.
Birdie, in a couple of hours, it’ll be your birthday, and I’ll be doing a midnight celebratory dance here in Zambia underneath the stars. The moon here is the loveliest, and I think of you every time I see this breathtaking night sky.
To all my dear friends and Zags—wherever you are, I am thinking about you and missing you deeply. Remember that we are always looking at the same moon, no matter where we are. And in the same way, if we all hold hands, we can all run towards the same sun.
P.S. Sunny, or Sun has become my name amongst the children here, and strangely…I am immensely grateful for it <3
I’ve been reading this blog every night before going to bed, and while each and every post has been beautifully crafted and heart-warming to read, yours especially resonated with me in a way that I can’t quite explain: perhaps because it hit me with such raw emotion and passion in way that gave me a new sense of appreciation for the experiences that you and all the other wonderful zags are having. I know I might never completely understand even a fraction of everything that your heart is feeling right now, but I am thankful for you, for capturing and sharing your special moments with those of us that can’t experience Africa and all her beauty. Your story is a unique one and I would truly love to hear more about it when we see each other again. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I just wanted to share that with you.
P.S. I’ve read your post several times and I’ll probably read it another several times before going to bed tonight. It was beautiful and heart-warming…just like your presence 🙂
Sending so much love,
Sonal <3
안녕 얼마야 건강하게 잘있어, 우리는 잘 지내고 있어. 모기 조심하고 좋은 시간 보내면서 , 사랑해! Have fun sis, mom and dad love you (I love you too!)
My dear Sooyoun or “sunny”,
You’ve blown me away. I’m in awe of you and your heart and the way you see beauty in the world around you. “Vocation of love”, what a beautiful statement. I’m honestly at a loss for words because what you’ve just written is so true and speaks to something that all struggle with but also connects all of us as humans. Thank you my friend for reminding me to seek and see deeper in others and myself and to not allow suffering to be defining. I love and miss you. I smile thinking of your joyful smile and intentional heart shining in Zambezi. Also, thank you for the sweet message, it made my day.
Always and kisu mwane,
Moira
I can think of no better place to nurture a deep, abiding love and compassion for all of creation – the awe-inspiring and the heart-breaking, the stranger, the friend and the self. Yes, we do belong to each other. Thanks for the lovely and loving reminder!
Sooyoun,
Thank you for the beautiful post. Although I don’t know you too well you are always a ray of light in all of our small interactions. My sister thinks you are one of the kindest humans, and I am confident that she is one of the kindest and most loving humans in the world…so you must be too if Chels thinks you are!
Also, I am a biiiig Henri Nouwen fan too and loved the quotes. I was just reading one of his books this morning during my Sabbath, and here’s another Nouwen quote from this morning to add to your collection: “All I want to say to you is ‘you are the beloved,’ and all I hope is that you can hear these words as spoken to you with all the tenderness and force that love can hold.” We are a people who are loved, loving, and love. How cool that you hold that to be true and seek to embody that daily.
Taylor, I was deleting pictures on my phone because my storage is full lol and found a CLC napping party from so long ago and it made me miss you. Hope you are sharing your heart bravely and vulnerably as you have done so often with our group. Excited to read your blog whenever it may be to peak into your time there! Also, shoutout Elly, you weren’t in the pic but thinking about CLC made me think about you as well. Sending lots of love to you both and many others.
Final thought, I moved my belongings into my new home in Sunnyside and drove by the Elementary school that I’ll be teaching at and the high school that your friend is the principal at, Josh. It would be an injustice to both places to compare Sunnyside to Zambezi, but I am excited to head into two years in this new and fairly foreign community and culture with a posture of learning, with a desire to sit down and get a chance to know the stories and hearts of others perhaps over tea and to share in holding another’s heaviness and pain while letting them hold mine. Josh, thank you for having those perspectives be so central to this program. Since sophomore year, it has shaped how I see the world and how I interact with the people in it and continues to do so even after I leave GU.
Love always,
Lindsey
Sooyoun,
My experience when reading your post seemed very similar to what happened everyday in sociology in our little group discussions. You would start talking and I would try to keep my jaw from dropping. I was always blown away by the clarity of your words, the way you could turn an idea into an eloquent phrase, the incredible depth of your thoughts, your ability to draw from different perspectives, and the extraordinary amount of passion that was the undertone of every word that you spoke. Sooyoun you are right where you are meant to be (Not only right now, but in your studies at Gonzaga). As far as Zambia goes, I have no doubt that you are making use of that nickname of yours and being a big radiant light. Seeing Christianity done poorly can be excruciatingly painful (as you described), especially when you try to rewrite and display it differently to other people. But Sooyoun, your heart for loving people and strong desire to truly understand them as individuals is a crazy big beacon of God’s love. I know your light has traveled far in Washington and is traveling far in Zambia! Incredible! As far as Gonzaga goes, I understand the switch from HPHY was probably more difficult than it should have been. The faults that you mentioned about our department are completely accurate. Part of that being some pride, but your words in this blog convinces me that you are completely capable of understanding the physiology of the body, but you were meant to look at the human body/ human function in a slightly different way. You can still apply what you learned, but you can go deeper. Yes, every system of the body is interconnected and you could describe how each system is interdependent on the other during exercise/in daily function. But, you get to look at this more holistically! You can see how necessary it is for people (instead of systems) to be interconnected in order to function the best. Being simple human and sharing in the desire to love/ be loved is enough to start understanding and creating this interconnection. Even as you pointed out…we grow up in very different cultures, with vastly different experiences and function as individuals in very different ways; but when we come together and look to understand the other…that is where we both are able to thrive/ function well. Together.
“If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time; but if your liberation is bound up with mine then let us work together”
Anyways, you know all of this, but you should know that you continually inspire me! Your words in this post took my breath away and I can see that you are thinking about things. You are right where you are meant to be! Thank you for shining so brightly, for your constant smile and excitement about the world, and your incredible mind and heart.
Your sociology and human physiology friend.
Oh my my my Sooyoun,
Your words have simply taken my breath away. How in the world did I know that you would absolutely love that moon that so fearlessly and powerfully shines every single night! I can just picture your graceful walk down those sandy roads and I can only imagine the immense joy and light that you are bringing to those lovely individuals over there. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of you and how hard you worked to get to this beautiful place and the ways that this place is impacting you. I think that you have an incredibly powerful message to offer in your words about not being defined by what you do, but learning to love in ALL circumstances. That is something that you so intentionally yet effortlessly do every day, and it never ceases to blow me away. I love love love you so much…but you already know that. There is something so beautiful and unspeakable when you see prayers at work, and that is exactly what I am seeing in your words and your reflection on your experience so far. Thank you for this beautiful reminder to place love as a top priority in all situations. You are simply amazing. Looking forward to numerous FroYo dates where we make stupid puns, watch cheesy movie trailers, and talk about everything under the sun (which I guess is now your new nickname, so that’s pretty great). Keep shining over there, my love. And don’t ever forget: TACAMO.
Wowza Sooyoun,
I have read your words over and over in the past 2o days, and every time I do, you bring me courage to live holy, as I am. The words you wrote in this blog post spoke directly to my soul… they truly made me cry and laugh at the same time. The genuine love that you offer in your very being continues to open my heart. I am so thankful that you are sharing it with the beautiful Zambian community.
Sooyoun, that first quote from Nouwen embodies everything I have come to know about you. You have made me realize that to better love and understand someone, we must dive into the pain that pervades our lives. Pain and sadness is part of our story, and as you so wisely told me, “Once you know someone’s story, you can’t help but love them.” This is why your love is so real. This is why every single person you meet, walks away feeling lifted… Because you make them feel like they are enough by simply loving them for who they are. So thank you, My Moon, for loving so abundantly. Thank you for your encouraging words. God has truly graced everyone in this universe with your presence.
I love you Sooyoun, to the moon and beyond. There is not a moment I am not thinking of you and listening for the beat of your heart in the summer wind. And remember, you are the light of the world.
P.S.
It’s June 4th now and I just figured out I could comment on this blog… My heart started beating so hard once I saw this because although you won’t see this for another ten days, it made me feel just a little bit closer to you.