When we got off the plane in Zambezi, I would have told you I knew what accompaniment was. What I didn’t know is the next three-ish weeks would prove me wrong. Not only did I not understand the practice of accompanying others, I did not know how to allow myself to be accompanied.
My first lesson in accompaniment came in the form of family style. On the first evening in Zambezi, after a brief deliberation and vote, passing dishes to the left was the verdict. Family style eating requires a unique form of accompaniment that has become one of my favorite parts of our routine in Zambezi. Squished around seven differently sized tables there are anywhere between 21 and probably 26 chairs that have accommodated the Zags, Mamas, and various dinner guests throughout our time in Zambezi. A pole wrapped in scarves and balloons jets out of the center. Now I can’t tell you if we eat family style because it’s easier or because it teaches connection, other-centeredness, and (of course) accompaniment. It’s a good thing I don’t have to figure that out because both are true.
Family style is representative of the collective accompaniment which I have found in Zambezi. Students in Business and Leadership class call one another out but more importantly call each other in with care I have seen attempted in few other places. The Market provides space for a dance-like conversation in which, although passing (sometimes to the left), meaningful connections are forged. I have found that Zambians live life Family Style and now so do we.
Passing to the left has not been strictly followed by the ZamFam, especially when someone needs the peanut butter (cough Sarah) or the salt (cough, cough Morgan). There is a strange flow state that we have reached during our weeks of shared meals. Bowls are passed, conversations flow, and people dig in at the same time. There is always a seat for everyone no matter if there is no fruit left when it gets to you. Family style forces you to think of others when serving and passing. It reminds me day in and day out that there is a unique beauty in each individual having a place at the table. We can’t eat if anyone is missing (as Emi and Jeff would lovingly/sarcastically tell you). Accompanying at the table is understanding that each individual is part of the whole. Each meal reminds me that there is no need to earn a place. I can show up as I am.
A second lesson in accompaniment came in the days leading up to our trip to Dipilata. I was struggling with teaching a subject I know little about, feeling harmful to a community that I had come to care deeply about, and feeling exceptionally out of place. I was trying to earn a spot at the table even though I knew deep down would always have a place for me. Instead of leaning in, asking for help, and letting myself be accompanied in my struggles, I climbed a wall. I mean that literally: I climbed the brick wall surrounding the convent and sat atop it while observing the comings and goings around me. The barrier to the convent allowed me to distance myself physically and literally from the people inside and those outside. I sat there and tried to figure myself out, eventually climbing off the physical wall. I had forgotten the delicate balance of humanize, accompany, and complicate. I spent too much time complicating and forgot to humanize. Climbing off that wall, I felt unworthy of the care I that was so freely given here. I thought I was doing Zambia wrong, whatever that means. This moment taught me that I needed to work on being accompanied. I did not know what it meant to fully surrender to people who would willingly walk alongside me without asking for anything in return.
Lucky for me, whether I liked it or not, I was not walking this road alone. The ZamFam showed up and wouldn’t let me run away. Without a conscious effort, single word, or specific action they grabbed my hands and pulled me towards the collective again and again. I am learning to be accompanied through Hayden and Sam showing me that our job is not to demonstrate our business expertise (cause we don’t have any lol); instead it’s fostering a space for a communion table of shared experience, inspiration, and conversation. I am learning to be accompanied by making apple crisp with Hannah. I am learning to be accompanied when Jeff forces me to be truthful when he asks how I am doing. I am learning to be accompanied by getting off my wall, passing through my messiness and shortcomings to understand that accompaniment, like leadership, is never done alone.
Lessons of accompaniment have been scattered throughout every day in Zambezi. There are some that I noticed and surely many that I have missed. One final moment in which I was taught a lesson in accompaniment occurred when walking a dinner guest out of the convent after a meaningful conversation over a shared meal. Gift, a Zambian, current convent arm wrestling champion, a walking testament of the power of forgiveness and hope shared his story with us. As Jeff and I walked him to the edge of the convent property Jeff explained the Lunda word kushinjikizha, to accompany part of the way. He explained this word to mean caring about the person next to you enough to walk with them part of their journey but trusting them enough to finish the journey themself.
I haven’t stopped thinking about this kushinjikizha since. How beautiful is it to walk for a period of time alongside someone knowing that you will watch them pass you and continue on alone? I believe that it demonstrates that something doesn’t have to last to have been meaningful. Gonzaga-in-Zambezi is a walking example of kushinjikizha. As I have walked through Zambia I have been accompanied by our Business & Leadership students, kiddos outside the convent walls, the Zambians who I now call friends, and by each Zag. Knowing that I will finish this journey on my own, while also knowing that I have their trust makes the next steps I take easier. I won’t forget the path I have walked. I will use it to influence the path I choose in front of me. I am proud to have accompanied for a while and have full trust that the rest of the journey, however complicated and messy, will be beautiful.
With love and gratitude,
Mary Pearl Haney
ZamFam 25 and Class of 2028
(a girl who has not yet broken Zambia and who hasn’t let Zambia break her)
Family and Friends of the ZamFam: Thank you for being with us every step of the way. Know that each of your names have been sacredly mentioned somewhere in Zambezi. You were the keys to conversations about loved ones, family traditions, and so many stories shared. None of us did this trip alone because each and every one of you was with us every step of the way. Thank you for missing your person so that we could know them and they could know Zambia. What a gift.
Murph: The Zambezi market is pretty much as far as we could get from wandering Zupans with orange juice together. Yet, I still can’t help but long to be walking the aisles with you, talking about nothing and everything. I ate a lemon cookie today and what I would give for you to be sitting next to me, telling me that we should definitely have a second one. This whole not seeing each other for 6 months thing is not so much fun… can we not do it again please? I am so proud of you as you start at KPMG. I know you are throwing together some killer business casual outfits (featuring the Stan Pants). Thank you for holding it down in the comments, your insights and updates mean the world. Love you and SEE YOU SO SOON!
Ween: I cry most times we read the blog comments and each time, when I start to feel bad, I know it is ok. You cried too. I will let them flow. So proud of you for tackling your new job with so much enthusiasm, the ZamFam (and me especially) has been rooting for you!
Slav: Thank you for practicing accompaniment halfway around the world. Not going to lie, your comments are a fan favorite over here. I am so proud that you didn’t kill Allison’s dog!!! I miss our 10am chats while you figure out the grind time on your espresso machine. I can’t wait for Facetimes while you make coffee and hearing about all of your bike adventures. 18 by Khalid played yesterday and it made me miss you and Hollender. Play some pickleball with Ken for me!
Grammy & Papa: I love and miss you both. I will have LOTS of photos to show you when I get back. I am so grateful to know that there are always hugs waiting for me in Bellevue. It means the world.
Haney Trucking Co: I look up at the night sky and think of you. I hope to one day admire the southern cross again standing next to the three of you. I can’t wait for farmers market Sundays, salmon dinners outside, and going on walks with you (shocking I know). You are the first people I think of when I hear a church choir practicing as I sit on the convent porch. You are the first people I want to tell when my class went really well or really bad. You three are the hugs I miss most before I go to bed. Thank you for the love sent via notes in my suitcase and comments on the blog. Sending a hug back and a real one will follow in the days to come. Dad: JURY DUTY! WHAT! Mom: you would love mass here, I think of you sitting in the pew next to me each time and it makes me smile. Ellen: I have been admiring the Zambian trees on your behalf. Happy happy early birthday, I can’t wait to celebrate you. I love you three bigger than the bathtub.
Mary Pearl-really appreciate this post about accompaniment and how often we struggle to allow ourselves to be accompanied or be truthful when we are struggling (glad Jeff is calling you and hopefully everyone out on that).
Thank you for your vulnerability and the image of you literally climbing the brick wall. It’s such a classic metaphor and yet you actually did it! I think we can all relate to wanting to climb that wall sometimes.
It was also super sweet what you said about the people responding to this blog. I hope you all have felt loved, missed and that occasionally we have given you some good material to work with for a few laughs. It has been a joy to read this blog and respond. It helps us feel like we are accompanying you-if even just a tiny bit. I definitely know it’s my way of coping with how much I miss Sean!
I’m thinking what else to write to make this super long and torture Jeff–deep down you know he loves that it takes two meal times!
Sean–this is the post from Gibby in response to your blog…I thought what he sent me was cute…about you being “young Sean”. LOL
Good Morning Sharon,
Thanks for providing the relay on this communication! You probably don’t know that,because there are two Seans that I do Kung Fu with, your guy is known as “Young Sean” 🙂 Well, here goes what I have to share for now.
Greetings Sean,
It took me a bit to figure out that the comment space was all the way at the bottom:) (and then I had a firewall issue that your mom is helping me navigate) As always, you are a marvelous writer and I appreciate the clarity with which you brought us all into the world in which you are immersed. Also, I am quite honored to have been referenced in your post and it is gratifying to see that the teaching is being incorporated so richly in your experience. After 30 years as the head of a classroom, I do not believe that you could have a better motto than “You can not lead those you do not love”. It has a wisdom that will only become truer and more eloquent as time goes by-it would be a good thing to have framed on your wall. I wonder if you realized that I had a sign at the back of the class, above all your heads, that simply said “Breathe”- it was my cue to find my center and my heart when y’all were acting like 14 year olds!
I often think about you and wonder what new experiences and challenges you are having. I have no doubt that this will be one of the pivotal periods of your life and I am so thrilled for you that you dove right in-just look out for the crocodiles:) Peace and love to you
Now, for the love of Buddha, get back in horse stance!
Mary Pearl- That was really beautiful. I know all of the Zags on this journey get to write what they feel and that we get to respond in kind. But I truly say this that your post explained the accompaniment that we here supporting you are feeling each day. The little look that you gave, (and each poster has shared) have allowed, moms, dads, siblings, family members and friends to share your journey whether beside you or not. I know I have enjoyed and celebrated the smiles I see in the pictures and I am imagining the things you are experiencing through all of the amazing post shared. I hope you know the joy you and your whole ZamFam have given to us not even there.
Lily – Miss you more each day but know that you are experiencing things that we can only imagine and I hope that you can speak from your heart when you get home.
It has been raining a ton here, but everything is now green and full bloom. Brennan got his golf clubs today and is trying them out before the rain gets in.
The Zags had a Team Egypt on campus today practicing for the World Cup. Mark Few and the AD attended. (thought you would want to stay in the Zag know)
Dad and I love you always and forever. He says TPWK…and keep figuring things out!!!
Lily…….White Sox are in 1st and Cubs are in 4th.
Mary Pearl, I love this post so much!! I can tell you do everything with so much heart and intention and this post is so well written.
Sam, I’m so excited for you to come home!! Meg and I have hundreds (if not thousands) of plans for us this summer, so we need to get started on them asap. Olympia is waiting for you!
Lily, I hope all is well for you in Zambia! Lots of goofy reels await your return to internet access.
Thank you for this post! Sam- I can’t believe you will be home soon!! I can’t wait to see you, we miss you so much. We are eagerly waiting to see your new and improved hair cut . I’m sure Meg did great. I have so many plans for us this summer! It is getting really hot here in Oly, so the lake is heating up. I’m sure you know what that means. I have a plan of all the things we need to bake this summer as well, like dot cakes (which you probably don’t know about). Wolfie has not been visiting much. I’m sure mom has lots of updates for you about who is moving in and out of the neighborhood. Tuesday is the day you get back, and the last day of school for me!! So we will be preparing a large vat of chicken Alfredo. I won’t let Dad add onions and I will make sure we get the good sauce, even though we are the only ones that can taste the difference. I miss you!!!!!!
Hi Mary Pearl! Thank you for being so honest about your joys and struggles through this experience. I love this idea of kushinjikizha (had to copy / paste there:). It is such a privilege to be a part of someone’s story. I loved how you illustrated the value in accompanying and being accompanied for part of the way; how trusting yourself and others to finish the journey on their own is an important part of the journey as well.
Taylor- As you prepare for your journey home maybe keep certain medications close by. Hoping for a hive free trip!!
Mary Pearl, Thanks for your explanation of accompaniment. It has been such a pleasure following along with all of your reflections about your experiences in Zambia. You have made me laugh and cry (but mostly laugh), and I was able to visualize at least a little of what you were experiencing. I love that you had to vote on how family style would work, and have enjoyed all of the inside jokes that have increased over the time you have been there. I wish you all safe travels on your journey home.
Whew! The firewall decided to get me one last time. I couldn’t remember what I said the first time. Of course, when I take a picture, it goes through.
Noah, Tomorrow is Cathleen’s last day of school. I think she is ready. She’ll be even happier after she finishes with report cards. We are looking forward to seeing you soon. I have a hug waiting for you. Be safe!
“Zambians live life family style” — I love that description, MP! From the story of convent meal times to the market experience, the home stays to the accompaniment dinner, family style truly is the way Zambians do life. I wish we did more of that here!!! Keep climbing brick walls, realize your place in it all, and then get down and back to your people who are ready to welcome you with open arms and listening ears. Let them kushinjikizha or at least for a moment.
As you begin preparing for reentry, I think one of the best things Jeff/James/Cade do to prepare you is practicing the 30-sec, 1-min, and 5-min spiel recapping your trip. I got to share Zambezi with my coworkers today (so special every time) and I think I’ve refined my spiel pretty well so thought I’d share, hopefully it will make it seem less daunting.
Me: “Yeah, I actually got to visit Zambia last summer with Gonzaga. We spent 4 weeks being immersed in the culture and spent most of our time in a small town on the west side of the country. I got to learn so much from the community and then got to help out with their English program at the local high school!”
Person: “Oh my gosh I bet Africa was awesome and so different from here. Did you see animals?!” (No, I’m not joking. Yes, this is a very common response)
Me: “ZAMBIA was awesome! We did get the opportunity to go on a safari before settling down in the small town called Zambezi. But really life in Zambia vs in California isn’t too different; except for the fact that the Zambian community is waaaaayy more present with one another and really loved chatting with strangers. We don’t get enough of that here!” The end.
MP, I’m so glad I got to hear your voice in this blog!!! Today, I got a staff shoutout card for doing a good job, and at the bottom, it had my director’s initials, which are MP. It got me thinking of you before I even realized you had written the blog today. Coincidence? I think not. Also, I am so glad my tearful blog experience has helped your tearful blog experience lol! No need to feel bad for crying, it’s our body’s way of expressing what words cannot (shout out therapy). I love you!
Love,
Weenie
5:59pm in California, 2:59am in Zambia
(A girl who has not yet figured out how to shorten her comments and who doesn’t plan to)
HI MARY PEARL (let me see you dance let me see you twirl- hehe). I love hearing you talk about accompaniment, being with someone for part of their story and trusting they’ll know the rest. Family style as the best style, and your approach in life with Zamfam in your every day.
You mentioning that you climbed the wall gave me a smile- I could picture it instantly. I really just love everything you write. Your post reminded me of when we were driving to Method for smoothies and talking about Zambia. Look where you are now!! And, it isn’t over yet, PLUS more will come even after you leave. I’m so happy for you and love getting a glimpse of your thought process throughout the trip.
I made it to Baltimore and I still love it here. The architecture, the lights, the humidity in a non-landlocked state. I easily took 10 pictures of my cousins’ front door and I think they think I’m insane. Aunt Steffy and I are going to D.C. tomorrow and I’m STOKED. I keep being asked what I want to see in a day and with such little time, and literally all I want to do is scooter around peeking at the main attractions, and imagine life with you here, Mary Pearl. However, I can’t really have that as an answer, so I’ll let you know what we see:))
I love you so much and HAPPY FRIDAY!
PS, I just have to put this out there cause it bothers me every night. I’ve gathered that Jeff is the one who reads these aloud? I really want to tell you/him that I’m so sorry for my grammar on these comments. It can’t be easy on the eyes all of the time. I write my comments the way I text, not the way I write essays. I see errors every night and cringe because I know better and want you to know that I know. Thank you.