In one of my classes last semester, we talked about cycles – how we often find safety and comfort in our daily and weekly routines. For me, there is also anxiety. Anxiety that I’m not taking advantage of all the amazing experiences that life has to offer. Anxiety that I will trap myself in the ease of my routine and never push myself into anything uncomfortable. Fear that I will get stuck in a cycle and then realize one day that there are so many things I missed out on, because I was comfortable never changing.
I think I can safely say that for the past week and a half, and for the coming three weeks, I am pushing myself out of my usual routines. Not only am I on a new continent, in a new country, I’m with a somewhat random group of people (whom I have come to have so much love and gratitude for), while my friends and family are continuing on with their lives thousands of miles away – and reading this blog of course!
This morning before breakfast and our lessons, there were many blank stares as people sat in the common room and contemplated the coming day – the beginning of a new cycle and routine for us. The lessons that we get to teach here in the Zambezi community will lend some regularity to our days, but continue to provide dozens of opportunities to plan, adjust our plans, and then adjust our plans again as we adapt to the community members’ wants and needs. Today, we education students got our first glimpse into Chilenga Primary and Secondary school, and a few people got to see Zambezi Boarding School. Our health group got a tour of the hospital, and everyone got a chance to teach their first community lesson.
The unfortunate part of breaking out of routine is that it creates more fear and uncertainty. Instead of fear of being stuck in a cycle, it is the fear of something unknown. Like many of my fellow Zags, I like to know what I’m doing – that’s why I like my routines. This trip has been a crash course in facing uncertainty and learning to not be quite so scared of it. In my two days in Zambezi (and at the infamous curio market trips in Livingstone and Lusaka), I have found myself in conversations that have me sweating, heart racing because I have no idea what to say or do. Yesterday, Jeff and Taylor were kind enough to create task lists, split us into groups, and send us on our way with two hours to complete our list. The first thing for me, Liv, and Hayden, was to “pick six lemons after asking permission.” Led by a helpful herd of children, we walked to three different homes, knocked on the doors, and after promoting our community classes, awkwardly tried to slip into conversation the fact that we wanted six lemons. We eventually got our lemons (courtesy of the kids), but only after several rejections and stilted conversations.
Part of why I came on this trip was because I wanted to do something out of my regular routine and force myself to be uncomfortable. Well, I have definitely succeeded. Being uncomfortable and uncertain never seems to get any easier. However, each interaction I have teaches me a little bit more about how to react to my own uncertainty and discomfort. Looking back at all of the interactions I’ve had gives me confidence that even though I sometimes walk away cringing at some of the things I just said or the awkward silences I was unable to fill, I still made it out, hopefully a little bit wiser, and a little more prepared for the next round of interaction.
Amidst all this uncertainty has been the certainty that I made the right choice in going on this program. Even as I stumble my way through social interactions, the moments of genuine connection make every other moment of awkwardness and uncertainty worthwhile. Whether it is sitting on the porch with John and some fellow Zags talking about Zambian politics, or creating a special sign to go on the door to my room with Hayden and Sarah, laughter and insight are a constant of this unpredictable cycle I have found myself in. The constants in our days – our breakfasts together, reflection at night – prepare me for the exciting newness (and uncertainty!) that each day brings. Whether it is collecting six lemons, haggling for fridge magnets at the curio market, or unexpectedly going without water for half the day yesterday, this group, and the community around us, helps me face it with grace, confidence (or at least the appearance of confidence), and gratitude. Life in Zambezi is so different from anything I could have anticipated, but it has already taught me to anticipate the inevitable not-knowing with positivity rather than anxiety.
Hannah Sznewajs
ZamFam ‘26
Gonzaga Class of 2028
To the Greek Lemers: Yes, you finally get your blog shout out. Now everyone knows how weird you are. I love all of you so much, and I can’t wait to hear about everything you’ve gotten up to while I’m away. Boys, I found a Hardy Boys book in the storeroom today, and it made me think of you. Mom, we made French toast for breakfast, and it was nearly as good as our Mother’s Day feast. Dad, the fridge magnet negotiating in the market was for you, so I hope you’re excited. Claire, I hope you’re faring okay after graduation, and that the road trip home goes smoothly. I wish I could share everything with all of you in real time, but you can look forward to a big debrief when I get back.
- To my other Boulder fam, I love you all and miss you. Looking forward to spending time with you this summer!
- To my friends and other family: I can’t wait to update you on everything we have done! Love you, and so excited to catch up when I get back.
Messages
From Mary Pearl: Happy birthday dad! Love you so much, hope you have the best day. There’s a card for you on the fridge.
From Meg: Happy graduation, Phoebe! I love you so much and can’t believe you’re a high schooler. See you soon Bo.
Hannah, I am so impressed by your desire to lean into the uncomfortable. I share your anxieties about getting stuck in routines, but also what it means when I deviate from that safety net. Zambia is a place of constant growth and unexpected circumstances. The moments where you have to take a step back and a deep breath and figure out a plan B are the ones you will think back on most fondly. Remember that you all have each other as support and your loved ones at home cheering you on! Soon enough you will be back home wishing for that chaos once again.
MP: I went to a coffee shop in Sellwood today with a stellar cardamom bun. We will have to go once you get back so you can get a little taste of Copenhagen right here in the PNW
Taylor: I was thinking about our impromptu golf lesson today. Well, YOUR impromptu golf lesson. I hope you get the chance to run it back this year!
Love,
Caroline
ZamFam ’25
Hey, Morgie. I think uncle benny has a soft spot for you because every time I visit him he breaks out into a story from when you were a baby. He wishes you the love and the best. I leave Bako tomorrow, but before that I am going to Micah’s career day at her school. There, I’ll see Cynthia and Tommie 2, so I’ll let them know you say hi in spirit. Also, I put Micah and grandma on Trader Joe’s – it was pretty funny. Grandma loves the chocolate covered strawberries, and Micah is trying to get me to meal prep for her….I said no.
Love you,
Chao bella
Ed group, I loved seeing your smiling faces with the Chilenga faculty. Sean, thank you for the bunny ears on Jeff!
Hannah, I loved the honesty in your blog — there are so many pieces of this trip that are unknown until they happen, and that often brings a high sense of anxiety for “planners”. As the days go by, the routine will become set in motion, and that brought me just a little more comfort. Yet, with the more consistent routine also meant that time passed by faster and the uncertainties allowed me to refocus on the present moment. I loved what you said about becoming more prepared with each interaction you had — SO TRUE!! Also, loved the piece about sometimes just having to appear confident. Confidence will come with time and as you begin to be more comfortable in your role in the community. I hope classes began somewhat smoothly, and you are all excited about the curriculum you are teaching.
Taylor, are you going to visit Brudas at the hospital? I know how much he meant in accompanying you through our trip.
Eek for going half a day without water yesterday! Crossing my fingers that no one was stuck in the shower when it happened.
I’m currently taking a “Critical Race and Ethnic Studies” class (learned that I am the only student!) and one of this week’s readings was about how language was used as a means of controlling, and is why so many indigenous languages are not used widely. Learning Lunda and Luvale is not easy so give yourself credit!! But by making an effort to learn the two languages, even in small ways, you are creating a deeper level of connection with the community and showing that you want to honor the culture of Zambezi. Anyways, just wanted to share because this program has changed how I see many things.
Love,
Weenie
2:16pm in California, 11:16pm in Zambia
Hannah, your insights on leaning into discomfort and embracing it is so valuable. I loved what you wrote, and I hope you all have had a great start working in the community! I am so excited to hear more, and you have such a good perspective guiding you.
Happy Birthday Mr. Haney!!
That lemon activity sounds like such a fun way to step out of your comfort zone! Sounds like everyone is winning at Zambia and at study abroad in general, trying new things is what it’s all about. You all are inspiring me to try a program like this in the future. Hopefully the rest of the trip is full of fun challenging activities— PS tell Hayden Valencia says hi and we miss her so much.
Hannah,
I loved reading your reflection. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is where growth happens. In the moment it is all the things: awkward, stressful and scary. But in reflection, you find clarity, perspective and confidence. I wonder what the transition back to ‘normal’ life will be like. Will you miss the uncertainty?
Kathryn,
Back at work today. Jack heads home tomorrow for a quick visit. Most of the time he will be at Cal Poly. But excited to get some time with him. Can’t wait to hear more about the classroom experience!!
Hello all- Yay for another wonderfully written blog post. I’m so grateful for the updates, insights and thoughtfulness you all convey each day.
Sam- no exciting updates here- we are super boring people apparently ! But…. We miss you tons and can’t wait to hear all about your experience ! Any great meals recently? Hope you’re enjoying teaching. Love you babe
( Megan just got home from OHS- driving herself- she’s old)
Hannah,
You are LITERALLY describing me when I was in Zambia a couple of years ago!! I remember feeling so anxious on new routines and having conversations with new acquaintances. I have a hard time having conversations with new people in general but that’s the beauty of being uncomfortable and uncertain in life. Keep learning through new experiences and it’ll reward you in the long run! Have a great first week of classes and keep exploring Zambezi!!
Ellie Powers
ZamFam ‘24
P.S. Tell Mama Katendi, Daniel & Andrew at Zambezi boarding that I say hi and miss them so much. And tell Andrew that I finally understand how to teach English to students!
Hi Hannah! It is so very hard to step outside what is comfortable and embrace the uncomfortable…but you are doing it! It really was inspiring to read about all the ways you are challenging yourself. I love how you shared that even though you sometimes walked away cringing, you still made it out and a little bit wiser and more prepared! I officially want to be a little more Hannah like!
Taylor- Our pilgrim credentials came in the mail today!
Hannah,
Great job with your post. I loved that you feel so comfortable to share the anxiety that you have felt. The reality is that we all feel it and can relate to everything that you have written. I think that it is wonderful that you are learning to push outside of your comfort zone. That is where I have felt the proudest in my accomplishments. I hope that you can feel the same.
Kathryn,
I found both dogs in your room, snuggled in your bed. They will be thrilled to see you when your back. I talked with Jack earlier today. He was happy to hear about all of your adventures and thought that this trip and your ZagFam 26 sounded like and amazing experience. He was super happy for you. Charlie says hi. Have fun!
Glad you are enjoying your time there.
Love
Grandpa Bob
I loved this post!! I am a firm believer that without discomfort there is no growth. Sending love to you Bear!!
Morgie!
Just saw Obsession with Miya. It was craaaazy! The theater next to the Plaza has finally been remodeled and looks bomb! We’ll visit when you get back.
Miss you! Can’t wait to see more pics. Xoxoxo
Hannah, how exciting to read your words and hear about your trip. I certainly understand about being out of your comfort zone but so glad you are pushing yourself to have the best experience possible. Proud of you! Love, Grandma Janice
Ah My Sweet Hannah! I can just picture you blushing with embarrassment (and yes I’m sure anxiety also) and laughing nervously trying to ask strangers for lemons. 🙂 These next few weeks will be a great lesson in assertiveness, that’s for sure. Thank you for describing your state of mind so well, since it makes me feel like you are not quite so far away, and I miss you so much. I, for one, dont worry about your getting stuck in routines, especially given all of the uncertainty you have chosen for the mext 12 months. I have a feeling this is just the beginning of your stepping out of your comfort zone and pretty soon it will be the norm. You’ve always had this inner self confidence which is why I never worry about you a whole lot in new situations. I remember you telling me freshman year how you would go to the dining hall alone and then just run into people you know. That struck me because I always wanted to go WITH my friends, not walk in alone, when I was in college. Even then I remember thinking you were braver than I am. And I can’t imagine doing what you’re about to do, such courage! I so proud of you Hannah and selfishly I’m counting down the days until we get you back. Claire and I are driving back from SD today and tomorrow, it will be nice to be home with at least one of my girls. Saying prayers for you everyday!
Wow – I think I would be totally intimidated by trying to figure out how to get lemons and would have returned lemonless! It’s a nice little snapshot into seeing what the discomfort and uncertainty you all are experiencing is like.
Ems- We are just chugging along here – doing the work activity and the get the dogs exercised activity as well as the usual random projects. I am very curious about the hospital/ clinic and look forward to reading about it at some point. Miss you and love you.
Hannah, thank you for the post and your message. There definitely is something to say about “choosing uncertainty.” Everyday will be something new. Looking forward to hear about what tomorrow brings.
So glad to hear that you believe you made the right choice in going to Zambia. I am amazed at all the earnest reflection your group has demonstrated thus far. Make sure you stay in the moment, it’s a skill to develop and you’re in a great place to practice.
G, It’s raining here!!! The ground is soaking it up and mom’s been at work in the garden. Hopefully we’ll have the blueberries done by the time you get back. Billie has found a new favorite, shredded chicken in can. Gobbled it up. Proud of her!
Praying for all of you and hope your first days at the hospital go well.
Trying again to test the firewall
Ok! We miss you Sarah! Shwithi says hi – firewall blocked her
Morgie!
Just saw Obsession with Miya. It was craaaazy! The theater next to the Plaza has finally been remodeled and looks bomb! We’ll visit when you get back.
Miss you! Can’t wait to see more pics. Xoxoxo
Reply
Mom can’t get past the firewall
Will you ever look at lemons the same?? I can’t wait to hear about how being in the schools and hospitals go! Thanks for letting us in to this part of the experience as it was so relatable and also thank you for the pictures!!
Liv-Mallie and Brauck are super inspired by this blog!! I loved seeing you in the picture (and your skirt!!) I got a new job position for next year that I think is really going to surprise you! We love you so much!! XOXO
Sarah – Hi from momma. Miss you.
Hi Hannah!!
I love the way you are approaching uncertainty, and your self-awareness makes me really excited to hear how you feel at the end of the trip. I can totally relate to wanting control and structure, and also learning that “Zambian time” is truly a real thing. Those interruptions throughout the day, whether it’s bonding with your ZamFam or talking with John for ten extra minutes on the porch while the next thing you “have to be at” keeps going on, those are the sacred moments. It sounds like you are already learning how much beauty can exist in the unexpected and unplanned parts of life. I’m so glad you are embracing both the discomfort and the joy that come with that.
So proud of this group with all of your reflections. Savor the moment and enjoy the best sunsets of your life.
❤️ to Taylor – proud of you for TAing!!
Also PS one of my favorite gals Chi Chi’s 17th birthday is Thursday. She texted me she saw you all on Sunday and hopefully we stop by again. Give her a smile for me if you see her and say happy birthday.
I love that filtering ask the uncertainty, in your final paragraph you reflect on the certainty. So wise, Hannah! Grounding ourselves in the certainties of life give the courage to move through the areas of uncertainty.
Isa, I’m excited to hear about your teaching experience. I have no doubt you will do amazing and your students will love you.
There was a storm warning while we were out for dinner last night (Texas puts on a good lightning show.) It never elevated to a tornado warning and we didn’t have to take cover, but we did opt for the Uber instead of walking back to the hotel. Love you!
Hannah – thank you for your vulnerability and sharing so honestly about the what it feels like to navigate these new and uncomfortable situations. I love your desire to put yourself in places where you will change and grow and experience all life has to offer. And I think you are so right…the more you do it, the more you will learn that you can, and that’s something a lot of people never learn. Thank you also for giving me a little glimpse of some of the things that Hayden has been up to! The lemon exercise and the door sign were both an fun and unexpected peek into her day.
Hayden – we had queso last night and all thought of you. Also Granny & Granpa are experiencing what it feels like to sleep at 62 degrees. ha!
Hannah — GREAT POST! So nice to hear your authentic voice once again, even if only via a website. Sounds like things are going well — keep leanimg in to all of the uncertainty, and if you fall over (metaphorically of course), all the better to learn and grow from …
Rest assured the entire family reads the blog with breathless enthusiasm. Great to hear we are going to add to the fridge magnet collection. And yes, the mighty Greek Lemers appreciate their beloved shoutout.
Love you and miss you. Dad
Wow another great post! Such a reminder of the importance of risk taking for personal growth. Of course the right kind of risk taking.
So happy to see a picture of Olivia’s smile.
Love you Olivia!
How would asking for lemons in Zambezi compare Do you asking for lemons in Spokane, Washington? . A stretch for sure! Loved your post.
Isa It will be so fun to hear your teaching experiences when you get back home.
Hannah:
What a thoughtful and thoughtful reflection on uncertainty. Finding ones peace within the unknown is an on going challenge for me.
Meg: I shared your July travel information with that other school. I asked them to reach out if they have questions. Phoebe loved your graduation shout out. Looking forward to hospital updates. Hugs!
Sam: We hope the business lessons are going well.
-Kim
Eek, I keep falling behind on commenting! Sam and Meg just know I always look forward to seeing a new post. I will give more updates on the post that drops today, May 27. There will be some good Roland Garros updates as well as my updates on my running arc…
Hi Hannah!! I loved reading your blog and hearing about all the things you’re learning abroad. Your post is so thoughtful and so inspiring to me to see you pushing out of your comfort zone. I hope you’re having the best time and I can’t wait to hear all about it when you’re back!! Miss you tons ❤️
Hannah! I am SO proud of you. You sound like you’re making the most out of this experience and creating a lasting impact on the people around you. Keep doing you! I love and miss you so much. I’ll be waiting for you on the couch when you come home, per usual.
I love you!
Nellie
Hannah banana!!!!!!!! What a top tier blog post!!!! I am so proud of you for choosing to be uncomfortable!! Pushing yourself to get through uncomfortable situations tells your brain that you can handle those situations and soon you won’t even notice that anxiety (hopefully). I relate to this very mucho, it is easy to choose comfort but it is so rewarding once you see growth in yourself!! I have always thought of you as a very confident person who is open to new things pretty frequently. A reminder that you are doing enough and you are a very productive, inspiring, kind, funny, awesome individual! It was amazing to hear from you and I can’t wait to hear more about it when you return!! love love you
btw delft netherlands is so awesome i love love love it (heading home next week tho, it went by so fast)
Meggy: I miss you so much! I wish you well my dear bff, you are the best! I am stoked to hear about all your adventures! This program is so legendary, I am so very proud of you! And proud of you in life too! Sending my love 🙂 *insert heart* (Don’t even worry I remembered to send you videos in the NETHERLANDS… I spammed you a couple days ago with pictures lol… good luck)
Hannah,
I love this post, and you hit on my favorite topic as a therapist. Anxiety! I spend most of my practice working with anxious people, or speaking about it, or writing about it. I was a pastor in my former days, and I always remind myself that the word the apostle Paul uses in Philippians 4:6 when he says “don’t be anxious” is the same word he uses in 2:20 to describe the care and concern his co-worker Timothy has for the community there at Philippi. Our anxiety is a reminder as well that something is important to us; that we have care and concern for something. So I just think it’s awesome that the anxiety and uncertainty you are choosing is a reflection of the care and concern you have for others. The Zambezi community, your fellow Zags, others. It’s indicative of the quality of relationship you have with others, and people experience being in relationship with you. And that is amazing.
Okay, sorry, I’m taking off my pastoral and therapist hat now.
I loved the post. And hopefully Hayden isn’t rolling her eyes at my detour there into the anxiety language. Ha.
Rhett
Hi Hannah-beautiful reflection on uncertainty and appreciate your vulnerability. I associate anxiety with being fearful of moving out of your comfort zone and not trying something new. I find your perspective refreshing as you have anxiety about “not taking advantage of all the amazing experiences that life has to offer”. It comes at anxiety from a different angle (anxious to stray from routine or anxious to miss out) and it’s interesting to consider it the way you stated it. Thanks for making me ponder this!